Antidisingenuousmentarianism

It's great and all if you think actually teaching in Clarke County schools will make more potential teachers stick around, but I suppose the stipend while you're in school and the commitment required if you accept it should work better.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Get ready for some serious traffic calming discussions this year. Things that work and don't annoy the shit out of non-speeding drivers? Cops. Which there isn't money for.

Rock-ass. This is my doctor, whom I met today for the first time. I thought he seemed pretty cool.

Cathy Cox will lie down on the train tracks to stop politics as usual, but not to defend the right to gay marriage.

ABH points out that it's also a good thing there are actually veterans involved with Oconee County's veterans' memorial effort. But they gotta throw this line in too: "There is no group of people in this country more deserving of recognition than its veterans." I'm not saying they're not worthy. I'm saying that might be overstating it a little.

Bill Shipp imagines a world where they pour Coca-Cola just like vintage wine...

Some people think ACC schools are funded just fine. And some people prefer bulldogs to bus shelters. And some people do not read Voltaire.

City Pages covers the increasing number of commission sub-meetings and the like that may be on the TV (as well as local events), stuff about TADs, love for the gays (except States), sidewalk priority tweaking, some historic preservation info, and a bit more.

Some questions you should not have to ask.

Arrest: On May 22, deputy Scott Underwood was patrolling along the Athens Perimeter when he saw a green minivan that appeared to have broken down. He stopped and gave the license plate number to a dispatcher, who informed him the van was stolen out of Barrow County. When Underwood approached the driver, the woman said, "Everything OK. This car ain't stolen is it?" She said someone had given her the van, police said. Angela Annette Burch, 37, of Parkview Drive, Athens, was charged with receiving a stolen vehicle.

More normal occurrences here.

Much goodness in 05/22 New Yorker. Marvelously, this fella has transcribed all of Burkhard Bilger's "The Search for Sweet," which is ostensibly about the scientific experiments being done to create a better sweetener, but really more, especially at the end, about how taste relates to psychology:

Nothing in the biology of taste could really explain the appeal of Spicy City. Our tongues are wired for yes and no, good and bad, not for "It tastes like it's rotting but I can't stop eating it" or "It's incinerating my flesh and I find this oddly pleasurable." Any mouse knows to shun bitter and spicy foods as poisonous, but Zuker is no mouse. Like all of us, he is part rationalist and part sensualist--though perhaps he pushes both sides to an extreme. He has taken driving lessons at a racecar track, keeps a cellar full of Chilean wines, and built a swimming pool on the cliffs beside his house with a vanishing edge that seems to tumble into the void. The best part of being human, he knows, is ignoring what your body tells you from time to time.

The rise of sugar since Columbus sometimes seems destined to turn us all into lab animals, dutifully gorging on sweets. But Columbus did more than bring sugarcane to the New World. He also brought a few things home. Cocoa was popular long before it was sweetened, and chilies are now eaten by a quarter of the world's adults every day. You can explain this in pharmacological terms (cocoa contains caffeine), in hygienic terms (chilies kill bacteria), or as a function of peer pressure. But the best explanation may be what the psychologist Paul Rozin, at the University of Pennsylvania, calls "benign masochism." We eat chilies, Warheads, and bitter greens, and drink bitter tonics and bitter coffee, for the same reason that we ride roller coasters and watch horror films: to fool the body into thinking it's in danger, and then enjoy the adrenal ride. Our taste buds may tell us that nothing is as good as sugar, but our minds can be taught to know better.

And here is Gladwell's piece on Cesar Millan and why his show is so damn soothing to watch.

I'm betting they're both gone soon. Nowhere to be found is Anthony Lane's article on Patrick Leigh Fermor, a T.E. Lawrence type and exactly the sort of superlatively English (and yet also fun) dude Lane loves to write about. Here's your beautiful sentence:

For Leigh Fermor, literature is not something simply to conjecture with, still less something to theorize about; it is both incantatory music and a body of accumulated wisdom, and one can live by its ordinances, or on its wealth of suggestion, much as a minister lives by the Scriptures.

How long have they been members? Two days. How long have we been Team Brown? Closing in on ten years. Balls don't mean shit when you got evidence.

Number 20 is up.

The only one of my blurbs that didn't make it in was for the song I asked to review more than any other.

Amy Diamond - Don't Cry Your Heart Out (Sweden)
Sometimes I think there must be secret brainwashing messages embedded in the frequencies of Amy Diamond’s voice, and what they say is “swoon.” And I do. This is not her best song, but she still combines vocal maturity far beyond her years with a ribbon of vulnerability that suggests it could all fall apart at any minute. Call it the Freaky Friday effect.
[8]

The Nelly Furtado is good too, though.

Email if you want any of it. The link's on this page.

1) Grub Notes with nonexcitingness of Buck's Pizza.

2) Review of Dilated Peoples's 20/20

3) And review of Danielson's Ships. It is not a 9.1. Stylus does a better job. The whelm just isn't quite there.

Renewed popularity (soon, for now mostly in experimental circles) of a cappella music.

Witness:

• Bjork
• Petra Haden
• Dokaka
• and now, Jad Fair

Others? Did it go away and come back? Is it indicative of the vein of folk traditionalism that manifests itself in the vogue for knitting as well as in music like Joanna Newsom's stuff (weird + trad)?

That's 23 pages now without a mention. Not making it into the original list of picks was pretty inexcusable, but this is blind.

Look. Me and Fred Phelps are going to be on the same side on this one. Don't want people protesting at funerals? Don't start a pointless fucking war. How is this legal? Answer: It is not. ACLU probably filing papers as we speak.

A longer article examining whether the extended school year experiment worked or not. Unfortunately, you can't raise a child in a plastic box and try different things on it, so we'll probably never know. (Also: air condition that damn gym.)

Ponder this headline: "Man offers new challenges to proposed county budget." And consider what a beautiful thing the choice of the word "man" is in it. Not "accountant" or "politician" or "analyst" or "professor." Man. As in "Republican activist."

Marsh's suggestions don't take into account rising fuel costs, higher pension and insurance costs or a 4 percent cost-of-living salary increase for employees that made it impossible to cut taxes without also cutting essential services, Davison said.

So he's not only qualified, he's also accurate. Can I propose adding stuff? Sure, but nobody's gonna write a story about it.

I am so writing the encyclopedia on how to be a proper gang member.

Some areas (around here) require houses to be a minimum size. Atlanta's kind of thinking about maximum sizes in some areas. As someone from the areas they're talking about (deep inside the perimeter), I can attest that it's an architectural disaster to see dozens of out-of-scale monstrosities crammed cheek by jowl on tiny lots. I know we can't legislate against tacky, but there are other problems with this sort of development, too, and it's nice that city planners are trying to do something about it.

Right on, ABH. Fuck proper search and seizure. You know what else isn't so great? That pesky first amendment. Maybe we could modify that some more too, in cases where expediency is of the essence.

Jukebox idn't up yet this week (late start), but I do encourage you to read Josh Love's Matisyahu review, which is the nicest and fairest thing I've seen on the subject and is quite well written.

Only don't. Because I love you.

Pretty pretty box!

1) X-Men: The Last Stand: Squandered potential, but really, when judged objectively, not all that shitty. About on the same level as the other ones in that there kind of should be more going on emotionally and even plotwise, but there are corny moments and then very cool ones, and it sort of balances out. New characters don't come to much. Iceman finally gets to make his gay-ass skates. Magneto does neat car crushy thing. Wolverine drinks no beer. And people die, but it's not emotionally involving. Oh, and major changes are made, except then they're not (especially if you stayed post-credits for special nerd delights)--well, some of them are. I guess I didn't really know it was supposed to be the last one, but that's logical. Was it Ratnered? Some. Was I distracted by the hypnotizing vocals of Shohreh Aghdashloo, who should seriously get into the line of manufacturing brainwashing tapes? I was. Was the audience pretty lame and super hyped about Vinnie Jones yelling "bitch" at a character in his thick accent? Excruciatingly, yes. It was okay, though.

2) Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Because it was the only damn thing on in Barnesville in the hotel other than Hope Floats and also I'd never seen it, while Mr. Brown had. What it makes me remember is what a horrible fucking toy the Talkboy was. Mr. Brown's siblings both had them on a Christmas trip to Montana, and it's possible it's worse than a video camera at invading your space, probably because 10-year-olds don't usually get video cameras to poke in your face. It is perhaps equal to the first one, but I was quite sleepy and it's a bit of a blur. Kevin's in New York, defeats same burglars again through similar methods (though there is a slight learning curve for said burglars that Kevin anticipates and overcomes).

not really 3) We watched Cellular again this weekend, too. Holds up mighty fine, even when you know what happens.

Browncast quatre is up.

We kinda have a crap theme song now. And a tambourine.

Edit: And we're assholes for not thanking the Georgia Podcast Network, who are generously hosting and posting it all. They rock. We owe them drinks.

Jim Ivey's fuck up on the Oconee veterans' monument project ends up leading to more donations. They should give him a kickback.

Ever'one's talking about transit. So far, it seems less about logic and more about the usual fight between Atlanta and the rest of the state, the whole "durn city folk" and "you stupid rednecks" divide that helps no one but those running for office.

I'm sure Cathy Cox loves this article implying she's the candidate (or was) of the gays, especially when she's trying to reach out to Republicans.

Yuck. Nonetheless, though I want to hate the fans who applauded, I kind of have to respect the team loyalty such an action might show. On the other hand, you can't be sure that it's love for the team. It might be love for Barry. Still. I remember John Rocker. I know sort of what it's like.

Gotta love an attack on John Stossel that turns into something equally irritating: a contention that implies through omission that Northerners hate their fellow man.

Sarcasm, though, we love.

Nutjobs attract no actual attention from those they were hoping to. "Hundreds of counter-protesters" end up drawing much more notice to the story than would have come with it otherwise.

"I'm not pro-war, but I'm pro-America and pro-soldier," Athens resident Mike Meeler said. "I don't care what the cause is, there's no reason to protest at a funeral."

You know, unless you're protesting someone else's protest. That's always acceptable. (Sidebar: Sometimes I think our society will collapse in an implosion of meta-ness, much like the house in the Amityville Treehouse of Horror episode.)

Long article on the travails of the Jefferson Police Department. Note that none of these people who were fired say they didn't do the things they were fired for; they just think they were fired for other reasons. Which is possible, but pulling a gun at a girls' softball game is reason enough.

New sewer plants will cost more than projected. Why? What do we say for everything that goes wrong? Also, maybe in four years, the College Station route into town won't smell like ass. So you can look forward (way, way forward) to that.

Oh, teenagers can't be douchebags too?

Gas prices make people irrational. Also, they may hurt Tommy Irvin's chances of reelection. Mark Taylor is all "I hate all taxes. Vote for me!" and Cathy Cox is more like "bio-stuff! ethanol! I love technology!" Also also, they both like the choo-choo (which an op-ed cautiously supports).

Yay! Museum stuff.

I suppose any kind of economic future projected for the state is a good one, but emptying the bedpans of aging boomers is a hair above taking in landfill contributions.

Jim doesn't seem to think there's much hope on redistricting, either specifically in ACC or in general in the state. And Shipp thinks you're special if you vote in the primaries (dude, free sticker).

And my new favorite song.

You want to know why The Who tends to win these contests without much difficulty? Because, while I love The Kinks, they don't ever stab me in the heart with this kind of prettiness. Pete Townshend is a very sentimental dude at heart. I don't usually like that, but sometimes I like it more than anything else ever.

Ukelele. Horns. Vocals gentle like a tiny bunny. Much love.

Full set of photographic evidence here. With some commentary. There will be more in the way of explaining what the hell later. This should help a little.

Black people, white people, meat eaters, vegetarians bond over hating fraternity kids. It's kind of sweet, but that still doesn't make it entirely right. And it only lends fuel to Chuck Jones's conspiracy talk.

Can we use this as evidence that there was debauchery back in the day too? Smoking, drankin', short skirts, pursuit of teacher-student relationships--props, 1941.

Wackjobs notice Athens. I like how they call it a "pep rally."

St. Joe's is also about to move from Prince Avenue to a giant tract out in the boondocks. Team Brown thinks convenience to one's house would be a major factor in determining where to go to church. Do people want larger facilities so much that they're willing to spend more on gas money?

Good luck trying to keep the slutty dressing down in a town with a large Greek population.

BikeAthens emerges to piss people off again.

Ugh. Well. It could be worse. We could have 7-foot-tall fiberglass turtles painted hideously and scattered around town.

If Chase Street doesn't want UGA's help, CCPLC will take it.

Another economic report on Athens that suggests things are fabulous in the job market here. Woo. We had a hotel open, if that's what you mean.

Um, of course the advocates for the choo choo say there's overwhelming public support for it. I support it too, but if you present the argument, in a poll, as "do you think traffic is a problem?" and "you won't have to pay for a damn thing," you're going to get what you want out of it.

Fine. Plant-saving developers are a step up from regular developers.

Local BOE member would like Clarke to sign on to the suit of various school systems against the state for not providing appropriate funding. Other members say they haven't looked at the issue. Because it's not their job to do so?

See? Hudgens's tactic is totally working. ABH comes down hard on the Madison commission and says "don't shoot the messenger." Sometimes the messenger should at least get winged.

Y'all know Greg Benson is impressively cranky. Here is more evidence if you did not.

New term: "Sugar train." Is that for vegetarians?

Can you cram this much marijuana into a sportscar?

Catching up.

Chase Street decides to declare its independence from UGA, forfeiting great connections and advantages for 1) rep, and 2) easier vacation planning.

You know, there's a process an angel usually has to go through before becoming an angel.

I know how this works. This is called finding out about an obscure regulation of the state's and using it as a club to beat the commission, who have been making noises about you.

Oconee County staff will make a lot of zoning choices now, but it's not a nonpartisan move so much as it is a way of easing the burden on elected/appointed officials. Anything controversial still gets done by those folks.

How to help speeding in ACC? Fix it temporarily in different locations, then have it revert once the wagon moves.

Dear poor counties, won't you be our Springfield?

ABH gives some love to the woman donating child care to a CCPLC student, which is nice, and she deserves it, but they're damn wrong in stating that this is the way to handle problems. Isolated incidents of charity only make us feel warm and fuzzy. They only solve the situation for a couple of people. They only make for a feel-good story in the paper. They're better than nothing, but they sure are worse than an actual comprehensive solution.

Also, while we have no evidence, we strongly feel this way!

Or not dropped often enough. McGinty admitted to me yesterday that he does not like or particularly know the following bands:

• The Beatles
• The Who
• The Rolling Stones
• The Beach Boys
• The Ramones (this last case more just not knowing)

Dude. DUDE! No wonder Springsteen was at the top of the list. Someone needs a good brainwashing.

So this was assigned as homework.

I needed an excuse to watch it again anyway.

We're in da club. Not only do we have one, but we're producing more. That is the slangy Sutherland-influenced way of saying that not only are we recording podcasts, but numero tres is already up (it's not, but it's uploaded, so it probably will be tomorrow when you read this, unless you're an impatient fucker and you read it tonight). It features me, so, as amused as I am at Mr. Brown's drunken ramblings, I must pimp it. Plus, it is time to do so again in general.

Still to come: these things called topics. I hear they're blowin' up in 06.

So there was this theory, which could grow into some kind of PCA (Popular Culture Association) paper maybe at some point, but now, Ghostface is screwing it all up by saying he doesn't read comics. Which is just what Green Lantern said. Bullshit, you guys.

1) You are nerds. We can smell each other.

2) Don't go fucking up my thesis.

3) Or, perhaps, modifying it to be instead about shame in addition to everything else.

Again, the stories you tell in such a small space. Hemingway would be proud.

Date: May 25, 2006 2:44:50 PM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: WTB Sheep Shearers - punching bag

My daughter would like to buy (or borrow) a pair of sheep shearers. She has a long haired dog that needs sheared in the summer and needs something heavy duty like that to cut his hair.

She would also like to know if anyone has a punching bag to practice her karate on.

Look, I know shit-all about the comic, but Nic Cage wears a cowboy hat in the trailer. Is it cartoony? You're damn right it is, but there's much worse out there. (Sidebar: Nic Cage, as discovered yesterday via wikipedia, took his last name from Luke Cage, comix hero for hire, which is a) pretty cool and b) par for the course for the Coppola spawn.) There is also a motorcycle jumping over about eight helicopters in the first scene, which is enough for me to say, yeah, I'll take the plastic, but I'll also be happy about it.

Thanks, New Yorker. Your crusade to destroy whatever small interest I might have in one day having children is working nicely.

In the Flagpole, for some reason, Donald Keyes is spending his time writing in to attack Hassiotis some more. The Donald Keyes? Ex-curator at GMOA? Noted foe of the copier? White-haired dude? Yeah. It actually sounds quite a bit like him. Also make sure to read most insane letter ever, this one from Winfield Abbe, who spends a lot of time posting similar things in the Red & Black's comments sections at the ends of articles. e.g.,

Isn't it too bad there is not a police department where one can file a complaint about government misconduct and corruption in Athens, and have all the commissioners and mayor arrested as the common criminals they are, for routinely violating their meaningless oaths of office, and the very rules and law they purport and seek to fool a gullible public that they follow?

In City Pages, there is a follow-up on those damn bulldog statues, which seem destined to be uncovered by archaeologists in thousands of years as representative of this town (although Janice Simon does make snotty comments about them), some stuff on the comprehensive land use plan, historic preservation, and some indications that school superintendents don't like Perdue's education policy (i.e., schools are there to make Sonny look good).

And I'm going to pimp Hassi's long, good article on local hip hop. I learned things. And there are cool breakdancing photos.

Here is some stuff on moving/destroying buildings in historic neighborhoods and making it easier. Good things and bad things could result.

This lady sponsoring child care for one student parent (maybe two) at Classic City Performance Learning Center is a saint, but piecemeal stuff like this does not work. How do you pick which student?

This article on Jackson County's state court and the debate about whether to abolish or expand it is pretty interesting, but it could be longer or more detailed. For example, could the purpose of a state court be stated more clearly? Is it specifically for misdemeanor cases that require a jury? Domestic violence would seem to fall under this category and is mentioned prominently, but do DUIs require a jury? Law people, help!

Sooner or later, impersonating a firefighter will get you arrested more than it gets you laid.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Where's the local pol running on the right to crucify homosexuals? The renewed controversy also has career implications for Justice Melton that Shipp covers.

Check it. University peoples saying, "I don't think we need to overly charge students." Not when they're linebackers we don't. Now note, I'm not saying Ellerbe should be charged with all this stuff. It sounds like he didn't steal the car so much as borrow a friend's. I'm not saying we need to be tougher on football players, necessarily. I'm saying that we're hearing from two different mouths what the rules are. (Wanna bet she got a phone call from the president's office?)

That's one tactic that will endear you to the coppers:

Arrest: On May 19, security at Wal-Mart arrested Melinda Haynes Verdie, 35, of Old Creek Road, Athens, on a charge of shoplifting. She was observed taking 19 DVDs valued at $351 and going to the lingerie department where she placed them in a purse and tried to leave without paying. When she was confronted, she tried to escape, then struggled with security when they attempted to detain her. She tried to use Mace against them. She also was charged with simple battery and with trespassing, because she had been served with an official notification on a prior date not to enter the Wal-Mart store.

It begins again...

Theft: On May 16, a resident of South Burson Avenue reported that someone stole a concrete bulldog statue valued at $75, which had been placed near his mailbox.

Sounds like someone had a special evening planned:

Arrest: On May 17, security at Wal-Mart arrested Willie Faye Laws, 46, of Towne View Place, Athens, for shoplifting. She was observed placing an aquarium filter, Claritin, and a tooth pick dispenser in her purse and leave without paying.

Deputies, I suggest you follow the sound:

Theft: On May 15, a resident of Skipstone Drive reported the theft of three skateboards from the garage and a skateboard ramp, all valued at $265.

The rest here.

Ghostface is the most face. Review printed.

Sometimes you scare the pants off me. Luckily, you also provide me with good band names in your subject lines.

Date: May 23, 2006 4:19:20 PM EDT
To: UGASTAFF@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: scorpion control

The listserv is always so full of knowledge and I could use some! I live in OglethorpeCounty on a largely wooded lot. I know that living in the woods I have to deal with a certain amount of bugs but I need to know what might keep scorpions out of my house. While I know the scorpions found in Georgia are not poisonous, I have two small children who sometimes get up during the middle of the night and my oldest daughter has already been stung by one. Instead of dealing with that pain again, does anyone know any effective treatment for keeping them out of the house? I have already killed four in the last two weeks and they just creep me out!!!! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Desperation: The annual King-ening of sweeps (generally end-of-TV-year-oriented) was luckily not missed this year, as Mr. Brown caught an ad for it. Good thing, too. This one managed to be too long without being way, way too long, and contained highly amusing performances by, mostly, Ron Perlman, but also tough old fucker Tom Skerritt, who can still at least pretend to ride a motorcycle and pee in the desert. Sadly, my theories about this whole "Tak" thing were misplaced, but considering Perlman's character's name is Collie and he's followed/obeyed by packs of dogs and someone had spraypainted "Dead Dog" on the sign to Desperation,* I really thought perhaps someone had killed his dog, causing him to go mad and be possessed by some kind of dog spirit. "Tak" being "cat" backwards. Damn. I think my theory was better than the Native American earth demon at the bottom of a mining pit it turned out to be. Movie was also full of the Jesus chatter, mostly on the part of a kid who was kinda Mattie Stepanek without the disease. Is Stephen King having some kind of religious crisis in his life? Because nattering on about whether prayer is useful or not does not make for a good fucking horror movie. Man was I hoping that kid would turn out to be Tak. But no. Another good theory shot down. Passable, with some hilarious devices and moments (plus mountain lion attack, woman's face being partially punched off), but not in the upper echelon, even of the ones that are massively tacky but also adored in these quarters (e.g., Dreamcatcher).

*Note that Desperation, in a tired old trend, is the name of the town where the whole thing takes place. Moratorium on this device, please, especially when metaphorical (the town's name is indicative of properties contained in the town itself), but even when not (Elizabethtown, etc.).

What is your problem? Who have you been talking to?

Not up yesterday, but up today is week 18, which contains some pretty good stuff, including the Pallot song I already typed about. If you want any of it, use that email link on the righthand side of the page. I make good on my promises.

Apparently, it's a bad idea to name your kid Ricky if your last name is Wilson.

'Nother suit over redistricting, this one at the superior court level alleging rights violations under the state constitution, which, plaintiffs contend, is more supportive of voters' rights.

65% rules about school funding don't go into effect until next year, but Clarke County wouldn't make 'em if they did this year. Because of things like lunches, which teach the children nothing.

Local Jesus people hoping to convert skeptics through talking about crap popular novel. A foolproof plan.

He said he figured he should read it, because questions were bound to come up. It was a good story - dramatic, suspenseful - but counter to his beliefs, Doss said.

"We believe it's totally heretical," Doss said. "But it's given us a great opportunity. It's made people want to talk about spiritual things and religion, and given us a chance to engage them in those conversations."

Flapdoodle!

Good lord, this is a long article about professional hand-holders.

Loran likes nanners in his cereal.

So you run the op-ed recommending much caution and thought about what to do with the Navy School property after you run the one recommending it be developed for high-tech biomedical uses?

Just don't give it to those dirty, criminal homeless people.

Now the debate's completely shifting. Will someone please write in praising public urination so we can see how many topics this thread can eventually cover?

Sometimes, there is a whole story in just a few sentences:

Date: May 23, 2006 2:02:18 PM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: Free Bunny

I have a bunny that my husband brought home to our 5-year-old granddaughter a few months ago against my wishes. Needless to say, the novelty wore off and I am now tending to the rabbit who lives in a cage in our house. I would like to find someone to give it a good home where it will get attention; preferrably someone who has a rabbit hutch and maybe a playmate for her/him (we were told it is a girl, but we are not sure). Thumper is gray with orange splotches and loves carrots and lettuce, in addition to her/his pellets.

Irony: Jonathan Antin's baby has really fucked up hair.

See also: There is a god.

Also, under sudden realizations: Blow Out could, in fact, run forever. It will still be on when Jonathan's 80, hanging with his grandkids. His sister will not look a day older.

And congrats to them in a sort of begrudging way and all, but Silvia Night's fucking insane "Congratulations" has been rather more stuck in my head. It's like Judy Tenuta and Julie "Not Downtown" Brown are back again. Only way more meta.

Theoretically, we should have a cell phone first. Or caller ID. Or perhaps one of those newfangled cars with power locks. But such it is.

New Yorker Talk of the Town piece on the short con. But can anyone explain the last one?

Merritt writes a darn good article on people in trailer parks and how, basically, the law doesn't give two shits about them. You know, one could suggest that some of the Navy School property be devoted to helping people who normally rent their land (but own their homes) own both land and home. But, as always, the neighborhood probably doesn't want that.

McCarter doesn't really cotton to the gays so much, at least not the possibility of them getting health insurance through their partners:

Domestic partner benefits might be a tougher sell than nondiscrimination. Commissioner States McCarter said Thursday he supports the latter, but feared it might lead to providing benefits to domestic partners.

"I hope it doesn't morph into that," McCarter said. "If it does, I'll have a problem with it.

"I don't care what it costs," he said. "I'm just opposed to it."

That's hot.

Here's why Michael Thurmond should go on to do greater things in government. This Georgia Fatherhood Program is a fantastic idea and one that seems to be working. Fucking helping people and educating them. Likewise for this.

Oh no! The students is outta control. Except that the incredible rising caseload seems mostly based on two factors: 1) freshmen being required to live on campus now (and more students in general doing so), and 2) the new, harsher alcohol policies.

Of course, some people think it's the influence of the demons of college football. Thanks for writing in, Carrie Nation.

Henry Shirah has too much time on his hands. And yet... not enough time to craft a sensical letter.

Lord forgive me, but I think someone bought Kip and Rico's time machine.

Contents of message:

Date: May 22, 2006 2:41:24 PM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: items for sale- sorry for confusion

Items for sale:

1. Deer Head (inhereted) -$45
2. Lugguage $10

Accompanying image: The lugguage is also pictured, but is less exciting.

The title of this post was gonna be "Oh we can't have a mothafuckin' podcast?" but considering it's not actually up yet (nice peoples hosting asked us to wait a day as they have lots to do lately), you'd be inclined to answer "No, bitches. Apparently you can't." When it's up, it will be here. Three episodes are in the can (as they say in the biz). Maybe I can upload tomorrow a.m. You will go and listen and be amazed at the absolute nothingness we can talk about.

Nice try, motherfuckers. I was alive in the 80s, you know?

Um. I am not always one to complain when coaches and athletic directors receive pay hikes, but these are a bit much. Not that Evans and Landers haven't done good jobs, but the latter's increase is a bit more understandable. It's not like he just got here. He built the program. Damon, on the other hand, despite presiding over record amounts of money and championships, hasn't really been here long enough in a leadership position to take complete responsibility for that success. Let alone to have his salary increase 650% from one year to the next. Seriously. Is there something missing in the article?

Recall proceeds in Madison County.

Jennifer Wilbanks ain't getting married after all. Ya think?

Religious discrimination leads to wrongful termination at UGA. Way to go. It sounds like she totally has a case.

Clearly tons going on to write editorials about. TV not reality, dude. You know who else isn't president? A hot lady played by Geena Davis and a squirrely Nixon lookalike.

Property taxes: if you can afford it, you can hire a private appraiser to redo your assessment.

An overview of area blue laws. We may not like being kicked out of the bars at 2:30 a.m., but at least we have the right to be.

Some ideas for how to use the Navy School property to benefit the homeless. But referring to it as "train[ing] the homeless to lead normal lives" makes it sound like they a) don't know how, and b) get a treat if they do things correctly.

Work release is working in the BC.

Walton County's taking ACC's definition of family ordinance as a model. Lynn points out that it's very difficult to enforce.

An article on the gay marriage flare-up. Please note that although Bordeaux freely admits it's nothing but politics, he voted for the ban the last time around. He's just not running for reelection this time. Cox and Taylor both bow to the forces at hand. Pussies. Walter Jones no understando how constitution worky. Shipp thinks voters aren't being fooled by Perdue. I guess we'll see.

Heh. Huckaby refers to "Internet blogs" in his column this week.

Gas prices not really affecting rich people after all, especially those with boats.

ABH supports TADs because what we need is more development and higher property values in Athens. Yes. That's clearly what the letters page has been showing lately. A little more development might provide a few more jobs, but not the highly skilled kind or the reliable kind we're looking for. Short-term construction jobs, more sprawl, and higher taxes for everyone. An editorial like this could make one turn on a potentially good idea.

Yay! Winders thinks the kids might not all be idiots.

11:14: Most movies like this, that rip off Run Lola Run or Tarantino (and this grabs from both) are fucking horrible, full of disgusting stuff and lines that are supposed to be funny and a general preoccupation with being cool that totally misses the point. This one isn't. That is, it's a pretty good little movie, relatively compact, with a fine cast, and it manages to be entertaining the whole way through. Not to say that it's perfect, but it's short and has a snazzy credits sequence and it's just fun to watch. Also, features Ben Foster, and I love Ben Foster, with his giant moony head and weird hair and odd "I'm kinda gay" vibe. And Shawn Hatosy, who's like the secret twin of Marky Mark, only with more acting ability. And, for the first time, I really liked Hilary Swank in something and thought, "maybe I should watch them two movies she won her Oscars for." Also also: slutty Rachel Leigh Cook.

Not only is Nerina Pallot's "Everybody's Gone to War" quite adorable and catchy and actually somewhat of a protest song, but it features the subject line in its video, which is a similar mix of "ugh, I should not like this" and "heh, that guy just got hit with a fish." Things like this have been done before, but that doesn't negate the cuteness and the general loveliness of what's going on here. Apparently, this is one of my favorite songs of the year, even if her boots don't go with her dress. Think Traveling Wilburys meet Natasha Bedingfield or something.

So, spreading the hate to the gays = about five of Sonny's prom parties. Also, on these lines, ABH does have grasp on different between reality and perception when it's convenient.

After all the smack I talked about arty bus shelter designs, I must admit, they sound pretty cool. Too bad you can't get a good look at 'em in the picture.

Just because the Regents are in charge of presidents' compensation now doesn't mean they don't get raises.

Cynthia, how have they broken your spirit?

All sunshine and light in the letters section. Except for this letter about the tax assessors' office pumping up values on homes. Team Brown's house has been evaluated three times within the not quite three years since we bought it and has jumped by $11K in value despite no additions or new development in the area. It seems sort of fair and wrong at the same time. There's also some talk about special tax districts so this doesn't happen to the poor in Athens with gentrification. But George Maxwell does not trust whitey.

We do not understand GPAs at the alternative school.

Coolest parents evar?

Pre-K's may get salary supplement after all.

How about, instead, new campaign: Come to Nicholson, Wendy's bag capital of the world.

Damn it. Martavius Adams. Stupid headline writers, spreading false hope.

Ivy sucks!

ABH offers advice to graduates. Advice like, "don't major in anything intellectual or arty" and "nerd power!"

Cerwonka would prefer UGA not get the Navy School property.

See? It's all about framing the issue.

I am inclined to agree that there's too much development around, especially having been down Epps Bridge Parkway/Road lately.

Close the damn door!

Salon talks to Jane and Michael Stern, who average 12 meals a day when working and elevate anything fried to a higher tier.

While it is their loyalty to independent restaurants and local food that has helped them amass a devoted following of readers over the years, food snobs the Sterns are not. In fact, they are almost studiously anti-trend, subsisting on a rotating menu of frankfurters, roast beef sandwiches and cream pies, and returning again and again to the same family-owned clam shacks, taquerias, coffee shops and barbecue joints. "I think we agree that the whole idea of rarefied food is ridiculous," says Michael. "People shouldn't feel like they need a degree in sustainable food management to enjoy eating," he laughs. It's not that the Sterns are offended by new ideas and tastes, explains Jane. It's that they think tradition is important and that change should be dictated by the way people actually live, not determined by some all-knowing arbiter of taste. "Meals and places that are about jagged, funky edges hitting one another -- I find that much more exciting than a food world that is fixated on the lineage of the mackerel I'm eating," says Jane. In truly democratic fashion, these days most of the places the Sterns profile in Gourmet and online at Roadfood.com come to them via reader tips.

Look. If it's really all about taste, then it should be really all about taste. Two thin slices of locally sourced meat on a large plate combined with something weird and trendy is as worthy as grilled cheese and bacon or barbecue if it tastes good. Percentages are pretty comparable, I think, no matter what genre of cuisine you're working in. Some places suck, a huge number manage to be mediocre (which some people equate with sucking, but shouldn't), some are better than average, and a very few make the tastebuds do a little dance of delight. Across the board. Why so hard for people to understand this? Populism, or the appearance of it, has crept into every sphere possible. (Exception: horse racing?)

Mr. Brown found Andy Rusk's speech on google video. Who says the nerds of Athens don't work hard? Sometimes, at any rate. So, why, Andy, are you not working the angle of, "Let's have a mayor who's easy on the eyes"? I mean, sure, the speechifying is good, and the stones to talk about the fun police right in front of Heidi quite impressive, and the populist twang/aw shucks stuff is both effective and seems pretty genuine (if a bit amped up, the way I get after a beer or two), but work the dimple, dude.

Rusk for Mayor. It'll make watching Channel 15 more than bearable.

Rusk for Mayor. It's like Dan Geller and Brad Pitt had a baby.

Rusk for Mayor. Heidi ain't bad, but we can do better.

I'm offering those up free for the taking to be slapped on a bumpersticker.

There's no term "turn-of-the-century" man, but back when we made that transition between 19th and 20th, there should've been. This should be another excerpt from werewolf studies, but since I don't have one at hand, it's really just a link to the Wikipedia page on Aleister Crowley (since he was buds with Montague Summers), on which you will find out many things you did not know about him.

1) Chess master

2) Mountain climber

3) Bitchy mountain climber

4) Bullshit artist

5) Poser in ridiculous photographs

6) "He was extremely happy when he heard of the death of Queen Victoria."

As Mr. Brown commented, "it didn't take a lot to be considered 'the Wickedest Man in the World' back then."

Indeed. Mostly a habit of saying how wicked you are.

Deadspin is correct in saying that this ad will make you hate both soccer and Pepsi, even with all the goodwill the former had built up through that Gatorade commercial and the latter through its generally good ads (Jay Mohr series aside). Also, life. And yourself, for continuing to watch it. You know how bad can be not funny? This is an illustration of that.

Also spam.

1) While making sandwiches, had "Iron Man" stuck in head due to fact that it is Ryan Langerhans's at-bat music. Realized you can sing "Ry-an Lang-er-hans" in place of "I am iron man" quite nicely.

2) Picking the winner of a reality TV show and, even more so, wanting that person to win is pretty much a new feeling. I'm sorry Tyra has issues with being black and all, but I'm really happy with the results. Also, to the editors, smoochies for catching Jade's dropping her water bottle and having to bend down and pick it up in the middle of her "cool" little dance.

Hmm... Perhaps there is a connection between these two incidents?

Theft: On May 9, a 28-year-old woman from Good Hope was shopping in Wal-Mart said that another customer asked her to get an item on a bottom shelf. She did and when she stood back up, she noticed the woman was gone and so was her purse. She was described as a white female, in her mid 30s and possibly pregnant.

Theft: On May 9, a Watkinsville woman shopping at Kroger said she left her purse unattended for a few moments in the shopping cart and when she turned, she saw a heavy-set woman with her purse. The victim shouted for help and the woman left the store. However, the license plate number on the vehicle was obtained and it was traced to a woman in Carnesville.

Someone's making a killing off bumperstickers.

Theft: On May 8, a 20-year-old Grayson woman reported that she was shopping at Wal-Mart and when she returned to her car she discovered that someone had stolen her "No More Bush" bumper sticker valued at $15.

Man, at least she was running. It's kind of impressive:

Arrest: On May 13, Sgt. Byron Smith was dispatched to a disturbance off Monroe Highway. When he arrived he saw a woman running with an Ice House beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She started hitting a trailer door and shouting profane words. Two men had run into the house. When Smith attempted to pull her away, she used her arm in an attempt to hit him, but Smith dodged the arm, did a front leg sweep, which brought her to the ground, where she was handcuffed. Linda McKenzie, 43, was arrested for public drunkeness, disorderly conduct and obstruction.

The rest here.

Flagpole covers money for buses/urban planner, new street design guidelines, the fact that some of Jim Cobb's students are a-holes, and the wealth discrepancy between the candidates from the two parties (guess which is which) in City Pages.

Mobile home owners, mostly Central American, get screwed again. The land's owner wants another giant commercial development there, because Epps Bridge needs more of those, while the locals would prefer an office park. "Anything built on the land would be better for the area than what's there now, said Ken Beall, the land planner and engineer representing Greeson, after the residents spoke." Except for the people who live there...

The fact that the gay marriage ban was struck down may yet lead to a special legislative gay panic session, to retool things.

Giant motherfucking condo development, 1.5 times the size of Gameday, to hit Oconee Street. They say they don't want students, but who else is going to pay the rent?

"It seems like it might be a little out of scale with what's around it," county planner Leah Graham Stewart said.

Yeah. I think it's a little bigger than the Church's down the street. About nine stories bigger.

Pre-K might help your kids, but if you cut its teachers' supplements, they may go elsewhere. Especially disheartening in light of the AJC's story on school supers and the bonuses they receive. Someone oughta tell Shipp.

Katrina victims officially to get in-state tuition. That is, the Regents approved it. For one semester. Woooo.

Atlanta drivers = warm and fuzzy. Also survey = conducted with panel of complete idiots.

ABH opposes Perdue's quick commitment of National Guard. Less because they're freaked by militarization of the country, and more because hurricane season's coming up.

There was once a time when people could not pronounce the word "taco." But they probably did know "alumni" is a plural (unless John English is admitting to some MPD).

Just Grub Notes this week. Eastside Five Star, Marie's BBQ, and the croque madame at Rouge.

Trailer for Ollie Stone's World Trade Center is up. But makeup fell down on the job. Slap some mustaches on those girls, fellas. We have a trend to promote here.

Not much good with an M-16, but darn cute.

So, your werewolf-oriented authors tend to be a bit off. This is something I am discovering making my way through many a text. Robert Eisler isn't quite as strange as Montague Summers, but he's certainly of note. These two chunks are from his Man into Wolf: An Anthropological Interpretation of Sadism, Masochism, and Lycanthropy, a lecture delivered at a meeting of the Royal Society of Medicine and published in 1952, and both are from his long section of notes at the back, rather than the actual essay:

Such a case of a radical transformation in the dietary habits of a species has been actually observed in the case of the Australian kea, a vegetarian parrot which became carnivorous with a particular addiction to the kidneys of grazing sheep, which it attacks with its powerful beak. It seems to have started the new habit by settling on the backs of sheep that had grown verminous and by feeding on their parasites, before it finally attacked the host itself. [145]

We can still see, walking about the streets and through the parks of our big cities on any hot summer day, the sadist 'Lady in the Fur,' now with the added charm for the masochist of blood-red varnished, needle-pointed nails, looking as if she had just indulges in an omophagic orgy of tearing live animals to pieces and were now ready to scratch and pinch any male trying to make love to her with those same cruel claws and to mingle his blood with that of her previous victims. There is, at this season of the year, no rational justification whatever for the wearing of such a hot and heavy garment, but rather every reason to discard it--except the subconscious archetypal urge to appear as a superb aggressive beast of prey offering the 'lover's pinch' and scratch rather than as the wolf's defenceless quarry bent on alluring the 'wolf' rather than the sheep, who adorns herself with pretty flowers and fruit, printed on light veils of flax-fibre or cotton-fluff, or bound on to straw- or reed-plaited head-coverings, preferred by the opposite type. This is not meant to imply that the two kinds of darlings have any clear idea in their conscious minds of why they dress as they do. But they 'know it in their bones.' They see to it that the fox's or the marten's head with the canine teeth blinking brightly in the open maw remains attached to the pelt they sport. They wear their furs as proudly as they walk shyly and meekly when adorned with leaves, flowers and fruit, printed or embroidered upon their transparent gowns fit for nymphs chased by lascivious satyrs. As to the nails varnished so as to look bloodstained, they are said to have been invented by Creole women anxious to hide under the opaque color the tell-tale dark crescent betraying an admixture of Negro blood. But this purpose could have ben as well achieved by the silver or gold varnish that imitates the precious-metal nail-sheaths worn by Orientals, who prove by the length of their nails that they have never worked with their hands. [226-27]

So, UGA's stance in favor of antidiscrimination policies for the gays is, in fact, paving the way for ACC government to do something similar, only farther reaching and with the possibility of health benefits. What's shocking is that it went this way around.

Harricks' suit mostly thrown out. Sort of like the Green Goblin claiming he was defamed by being called a bad guy.

Commerce City Schools is doing good, despite a high poverty rate among students. Also, no concept of pluralization.

Perdue's totally cool with offering up the Georgia National Guard on a platter to guard against brown peoples' sneaking in. Why wouldn't he be? It's not like he has to go.

Teenagers are very stupid.

The ACLU's still thinking about making a case out of that sticker, and considering they've got five other instances of the law being applied after being repealed, it does seem like they have a better chance than I would've thought.

Shelnut fucks up. Nine or ten times.

Dang me. Jumped to conclusions on the whole "Oconee has less hysterical parents than Athens thing." My bad.

Walter Jones justifies Mitch Seabaugh.

Wha? I thought image was everything, ABH? Perception is reality and all that. Op-ed mocks Mike Adams on wanting to change the name of the Cocktail Party. Dudes, I think you already ate that cake. You can't have it too.

Remember that article about how awfully people were behaving in restaurants? Saying they were allergic to things as a shortcut and so on. Yeah... topped. Big time.

These days people rely on a veritable Noah's Ark of support animals. Tami McLallen, a spokeswoman for American Airlines, said that although dogs are the most common service animals taken onto planes, the airline has had to accommodate monkeys, miniature horses, cats and even an emotional support duck. "Its owner dressed it up in clothes," she recalled.

There have also been at least two instances (on American and Delta) in which airlines have been presented with emotional support goats. Ms. McLallen said the airline flies service animals every day; all owners need to do is show up with a letter from a mental health professional and the animal can fly free in the cabin.

There are days when I think a lot of people are possessed by demons.

Where kin I git me one-a them? I have a formal coming up.

Date: May 16, 2006 10:22:41 AM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: Black and gold bedroom suit

Black and gold Headboard with mirrow (slightly broken)full size and a dresser with mattress. $50.00

Jukebox week 17 is up. The Camera Obscura is indeed the best song. All blurbs used. Slow week. Email if you want some Nick Lachey bad.

As promised. So, basically, I'm working on a paper to present at the Slayage conference in a couple of weeks, and it's focusing on Oz in Buffy and the werewolf character in literature, which means I get to go to the library and check out very odd books (and feel, strongly, the connection between being a character on Buffy and being someone researching something about the show, because in both cases, it results in weird books and weird looks). Montague Summers's The Werewolf is one that's referenced particularly often. The publication date in the edition I checked out is 1966, but I knew that had to be off (or he'd been preserved in ice) because of the writing style, e.g.:

The distinctive features of the wolf are unbridled cruelty, bestial ferocity, and ravening hunger. His strength, his cunning, his speed were regarded as abnormal, almost eerie qualities, he had something of the demon, of hell. He is the symbol of Night and Winter, of Stress and Storm, the dark and mysterious harbinger of Death.

That's a normal paragraph. One not quoting anyone. And it's pretty much about all recorded time, not a particular group of people and their specific beliefs. This is the paragraph that had me quite distracted during el Presidente's speech. Note: It's about as contextless in the book as it is here. I've removed footnotes, though.

In very many countries ensorcelling properties are ascribed to urine, and (under certain conditions) to the act of urination. Thus we have a similar phrase in Petronius, Si circumminxero illum, nesciet qua fugiat (if I were to piss round him in a circle he would be unable to stir). In Hindostan, as in Italy, urinating in a circle was supposed to be a charm binding one fast . . . . One may compare as a mystic function the Urine Dance of the Mexican Zunis, performed by one of their secret Medicine Orders, the Nehue-Cue, a dramatic representation of some half-forgotten wizard rite. The Shamans of Siberia brew and drink a magic potion in which human urine is the key ingredient. The urine of cows is used for sacred lustrations and worship among certain hill-tribes at the foot of the Himalayas, and holy images are even sprinkled with the magic stream. In Coromandel it is supposed to have supernatural healing properties so that the sick are often laved therewith. Similar beliefs and practices are found among the Huron Indians. Thiers, in his Traite de Superstitions, records an old tradition that those who first thing in the morning dip their hand in urine cannot be ensorcelled or harmed by any spell of witches during the day. Thus in some parts of Ireland urine was sprinkled on children suffering from convulsions to rescue them from the clutches of their fairy persecutors. "American boys urinate upon their legs to prevent cramp qhile swimming." Torquemada says that the ancient Romans had a feast to the mother of the gods, Berecinthia, whose idol the matrons in secret ceremony solemnly sprinkled with their urine.

So, American boys, what's up with that?

For more on the man himself (Catholic, pederast, buddy of Aleister Crowley), you can check out his wikipedia page. And more, with pictures. It's always nice to know your impression of the author being insane is not inaccurate.

Yeah, I watched some of it, while waiting for Prison Break to come on. Mostly, I couldn't tell the difference reality-wise between it and the books on werewolves I was reading at the same time (for my paper). Let this be said, though:

1) Dear FOX, when the president is onscreen, it's a little silly to put the words "Presidential Address" at the bottom of said screen. Nuh. Duh.

2) Please, no more mixing of small caps with all caps. "Presidential" was nicely done, with a big P and smaller capitals for the rest, but "Address" was all full caps. WTF.

WINDER - A Winder man was charged with intentionally setting a fire at an Auburn house and stealing a necklace from the residence, according to an incident report.

Timothy Leon Maddox, of 144 Duke St., is charged with burglary, theft by taking and first-degree arson.

When a sheriff's deputy arrived at the Auburn house, located at 27 Carl-Midway Church Road, Maddox immediately told the officer he was being chased when he ran into the house.

Once inside the house, he heard someone underneath the house "fixing electrical wires" and then saw a fire in the bedroom, according to a report.

The deputy searched Maddox and found a necklace in his front right pocket. "Oh, that might be the homeowner's," Maddox told the deputy.

God, if that isn't saving your punchline for the end, I don't know what is. (Located here.)

Mostly, the Redcoat Band is hoping not to offend people in China.

The thing with withholding information in general is that it sometimes gets you sued.

Oconee County: not so much hyperactivity over the wellness policy.

You gotta give some grudging admiration to the line-walking abilities of Mark and Cathy. Pander!

How about a public stoning? Also, Schrenko was well on her way to becoming Georgia's first female governor? I thought she kinda wasn't. You know, it's why she stole the money. Mr. Jones kinda paints it like Sonny's solved a lot of this.

Your heart is in the right place, but your conception of the First Amendment is a bit screwy. There's this freedom of speech part, and then, over here, in a separate section, this freedom of religion/establishment clause part.

Pay the librarians.

Fall Break: A vacation. That's the necessity. Also, what's the biggie? Also, this should hit the Athens paper tomorrow. Mikey doesn't want you to say "cocktail party" no more. Not that it's ever been accurate, but he might want to note he has no power to enforce this.

Gimme a Pulitzer! Poor housebound people cain't eat no more. Also, they'd like some salt.

Yay! Buses! Admittedly, buses because my house is being overvalued, but still... ABH agrees. Yay! Buses!

Jackson County at least trying to give Madison a run for its money. But perhaps not winning. Madison does try to put a positive spin on things, though, characterizing selves as "an active county politically."

No being an asshole at Little League.

Counties not lining up to display the 10 Commandments. I mean, they're all, "Sure. It would be great." But then various local governing folks admit they're not going to bring it up either.

This is the first long and sensitive piece on KA's moratorium on building and the possible neighborhood tensions. Both sides have points. On the other hand, there kind of is another fraternity down the street.

High school kids have trouble getting jobs in Athens. Join the crowd. You, too, veterans.

Because there's never such a thing as better technology that comes along, right, Jim?

Shipp says Cox needs to get her ass in gear.

Bill Cosby is still an old jerkass.

UGA students are going into debt, but more because they're being offered the loans than because they really need to.

ABH urges caution on improved graduation test scores.

Oh dear lordy. The gubner threw a rave. And probably got some votes in the process. Please do note: "The affair took three months to plan, $30,000 in state funds and involved a slew of sponsors, Perdue's staffers said."

Most disturbing headline ever. Ever!

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

Date: May 15, 2006 10:24:32 AM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: WTB CROCK POTS

I WOULD LIKE TO BUY TWO LARGE CROCK POTS AND A LARGE DEEP FRYER. I AM PLANNING A DINNER FOR MY MOTHER BIRTHDAY NEXT MONTH. I HAVE SMALL CROCK POTS, SO PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND WITH OFFER OF THE SMALL ONE.

OR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

That is, I've been slack about visiting the ol' Fluxblog lately. Luckily, my fingers turned there today, and then my ears. This morning, I'd sent Mr. Brown an email, the contents of which consisted of "OMG. Cam'ron has a song on his new album about Irritable Bowel Syndrome." This afternoon? I discover that Mr. Perpetua has obliged with a post. The power of coincidence.

It's also a pretty good song apart from novelty value, with some strange noises and, well... it's very hard to say things here that can't be bowel-related in some way, so just take my word on it.

McGinty keeps 'em coming. Let's at least pretend these aren't in order.

Top Fives (people edition)

Top Five Heroes Not Named 'Mom' Or 'Dad'
1. Lloyd Kaufman: Not always Mr. Classy, but a genuine revolutionary in independent film, a fearless fighter of censorship, and a great supporter of liberal political causes. Plus boobs and gore!
2. Friedrich Engels: Less polemicized than Marx. The Condition of the Working Class in England should be required high school reading.
3. Howard Zinn: Sort of along the same lines, and the only person on the list I've met. He's very tall and very gentle, but he can talk for hours, and he's quite inspirational in doing so.
4. Pete Townshend: It's possible he's an asshole, but he sure can make one's heart swell, both with romanticism and the rock.
5. William Maxwell: Editor man. Something to live up to.

Top Five Hot Dudes
1. Nathan Fillion
2. David Thewlis
3. Jason Lee
4. Henry Fonda
5. Jake Gyllenhaal

Top Five Actors/Actresses (living)
1. Gary Oldman
2. Samantha Morton
3. Nicolas Cage
4. Jennifer Jason Leigh
5. Jason Schwartzman

Top Five Fictional Characters
1. Don Gately (Infinite Jest)
2. Lindsay Weir (Freaks and Geeks)
3. Leopold Bloom (Ulysses)
4. Lambert Strether (The Ambassadors)
5. Satan (Paradise Lost)

Top Five Beautiful Women Not Named 'The Wife' (which title I'm keeping because it's funnier this way)
1. Lauren Graham
2. Barbara Stanwyck
3. Lauren Bacall
4. Veronica Lake
5. and, what the hell, Salma Hayek

1) Just Like Heaven: Referred to as "that ghost movie" during the entire time Team Brown has been itching to see it. Unfortunately, it kind of sucks, largely because a) it's insanely oversoundtracked (and mostly with covers far inferior to originals, and sometimes with songs where the lyrics parallel what's going on in the movie, arg), and b) it's just kind of overdone in general, with hyped up drama and ridiculousness and bad jokes. The main things about it that succeed are Witherspoon (somewhat) and Ruffalo (even sans stache), so if you think either one is cute, it might be worth a rental. With a coupon. My impression is that some people were creeped out by the Terry Schiavo ending, but this movie has much bigger problems than you being oversensitive politically.

2) Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit: Charming, English, full of silly gadgetry. The plot is a hair (ooh! pun opportunity) thin, but the kiddies can't always follow twists and turns. Completely successful.

Not only does he get to go to hip and happening Barnesville, where the Slayage conference is being held, but he may be so fortunate as to get a trip to Altona, home of Friesens and, therefore, their book manufacturing seminar (most of you will not nerd out in quite the same way I did over this--"Hot and cold glues, you say?"). As the city's website says, "If you are looking to have some fun, look no further than Altona." If you're extremely lazy, that is. Or really into giant versions of things.

Not that this reason is my reason, but appreciation of the way things work is nice.

This is Art Brut. Sparsely attended (the timing was a bit off, what with finals over and graduation coming up, meaning most people were gone and those that were left tended to be at keggers), but energetic nonetheless. Willing to make a joke about covering "I'm N Luv Wit a Stripper" (but not actually to do the song, unfortunately). Both madly fey and madly rock at the same time. They were indeed loads of fun, and I would go again.

Schrenko pleads guilty, which means womenfolk is equal to menfolk.

UGA won't have to pay $60 mill for the Navy School property because it won't end up going for that.

To someone besides the Navy, the school would be worth less, because most of the buildings were built for a single purpose like classrooms or are not in good repair, and would have to be torn down, though seven buildings are protected from demolition because they're considered historic, he said.

Also, zoning is necessary.

These are the changes to the wellness policy. Watch for dozens of angry letters from parents over a tweak or two. It still seems reasonable.

The article says more kids are passing the Georgia graduation test on the first try, but what amounts to a 1 percent jump in English and a 1 percent jump in math over the past four years isn't quite so impressive. Science and social studies show more improvement. Again, could we get some statistics over a span that might mean something?

i.e., Good luck finding a parking space downtown, suckas. Any ideas why so many more students are staying in town?

Anisa, sweetie, the reason you don't like it isn't necessarily because you don't like Broadway. It might be more that you don't like total crap.

Op-ed that tries to be a bit negative and counsel caution ends up concluding that Georgia's kind of doing okay with its hurricane planning. Needs more buses though.

Ahem. You know. Perhaps it's going a touch far to give the PR director for the College Republicans his own regular column. Can't we make a stab at having slightly unpredictable opinions?

Along those lines, a heartfelt plea for minority rights...

One in the bar at the top of the page and one in the subtitle of the article. I don't think the answer is precisely "yes" because of that crucial "because" and "if." It might be "yes" to the important part of the question, though. There is a very measured response from SFJ here. Merritt is a professional rise-getter, and that's what he's doing. I'm not sure I know anyone who likes the Magnetic Fields who doesn't also think he's an asshole. There is also the link to this, which ties aesthetic judgment automatically to the social sphere. Hum. I am of a slightly different mind about this, in that it doesn't allow enough for having an aesthetic reaction to something one might find repellent in reality. Beautiful things (Triumph of the Will being the immediate example) can be horrible in ideology. Besides, most people who have a problem with rap cite the lyrical content as a main reason (see the last comment on the Slate article, which makes a fine point), which seems to be exactly taking context into consideration. So none of it is that simple.

I believe it'll read: while we love LinLo, we forgot that, aside from The Parent Trap, she hasn't showed any real strong actual acting skills. She just might. And we miss the rack.

We could talk about the season finale of Veronica Mars if you wanted to. Mr. Brown has been expressing some annoyance with the show (and with good reason). But they did a pretty good job gathering in every thread of this season's plot, although megalomaniacal genius villains = not always the most believable. The major thing at stake here is that they really should have killed one of the two people we thought were dead (I'm not counting those other two deaths; those were different). The fake-outs lead to lack of trust and also show sometimes that you don't really mean business. This show is so tough and willing to say "chlamydia" on TV that it shouldn't pull the old-fashioned, "you think this character you love is dead, but s/he isn't.... surprise!" thing more than it absolutely has to. Anyway. That said. Whuzzin the briefcase?

Apparently, the other one wasn't cool enough, but we don't get the brand:

Theft: On May 1, a resident of Mayne Mill Road reported that a white Kawasaki motorcycle was stolen from a shed at their home. The motorcycle was chained to another one that was not taken by the thieves.

Value judgment much?

Damage: On May 1, a woman said she was at McDonald's at Butler's Crossing, when a blue four-door car that needed washing bumped into her car. The female driver pulled around her and drove off. The victim obtained a license plate number.

Swallow before you talk to the cops:

Arrest: On May 2, deputy Bill Garner was patrolling along U.S. Highway 78 near Keeneland subdivision when he noticed a Chevrolet Impala traveling about 10 mph below the speed limit. He watched and saw the car cross the white lanes. He stopped the car, smelled alcohol inside the car and asked the driver, Demond Stovall, who was drinking. Stovall, whose mouth was full of food, said it was the passenger, according to the report. Garner asked Stovall to remove his sunglasses, as it was about 10 p.m., and when he did, he saw that the man's eyes were watery. The passenger then complained that Garner was harassing them. Garner called for backup officers and got Stovall out. The man began swaying and when Garner asked what was in his mouth, he said a hotdog, the report stated. Stovall of Lombardy Drive, Athens, was charged with DUI, having an open container of beer and failing to maintain a lane. At the jail, he became defiant, the report said.

The rest here.

Jackson County courthouse a gold mine of shit that's no longer illegal:

On file in the courthouse were records of arrests ranging from stealing a cow to attending church while intoxicated.

I suppose the first is still illegal and a problem, as events earlier this year indicated.

The Oliver Rubber plant is closing, despite the approval of $12 million in bonds. That's minus 140 jobs. I suppose it proves that even throwing cash at places won't necessarily make them stay.

Worst special ed teacher ever.

And in other teacherly news, this suit against the Oconee County Primary School is just bad for everyone. It sounds like there were valid complaints and attempts to address those complaints that didn't work and now, well, at least the lawyers will make some money.

Lights are better than noise. Except when they're not. Do they change this back if someone's SUV runs into a house?

Madison County. Still not with its act together.

Props to the ABH, which supports the rights of high school students to party more than the rights of college students to do so.

Shipp talks some more shit about Perdue's education record and gives us some juicy Regents gossip at the end. Seriously, if there's one part of his columns you should always make an effort to read, it's the part at the end, under the three dots.

Damn it, ABH, you're hurting recruiting efforts for Iraq.

One letter about how fall break is a fake issue and another about the U's prestigious academic reputation. You know, the one that leads to bad rap songs by the football team.

Mr. Pritchett writes a pretty sensible letter to Flagpole about gated communities. I'd say apartment complexes are one thing, and subdivisions another entirely.

And City Pages tells us what the 15 new positions the ACC government is funding this year are and talks about the annual meeting of state representatives with the local federation of neighborhoods:

All four of Athens' legislators were invited to the program, but for the second year in a row, neither state Senator Brian Kemp nor Representative Bob Smith participated.

He's so good at listening, he can do it without even showing up.

Review of that South rekkid, which I liked.

Danielson will presumably run next week and be a big contrast with most of the other reviews, which are kind of panty and full of love.

I didn't bother to follow any of the other links this hit came up with. Oy.

New pose added to the list of standards, thanks to the Arch Cam: I'm holding my cell phone to my ear. Or perhaps staring down at it with mild confusion. Occasionally, I am holding up an illegible sign.

If you're going to eliminate fall break, here's the smart way to sell it.

The ACC is down with high school students' right to smoke some weed off-campus. Or, uh, not invade people's privacy.

The feds don't want the Navy School, leaving it open for the Department of Defense to sell the property, most likely for less than its value ($60 million). Where's UGA going to come up with cash like that? Is MCG loaded?

People be stealing appliances out of brand-new houses that haven't yet been sold. 1) I'm guessing Jose's Appliances isn't too thrilled about the photo, which seems to imply they're up to something. 2) Police Capt. Mike Shockley keeps things in perspective: "'It's not the worst thing that's happening in our community, but it's certainly got our attention,' police Capt. Mike Shockley said Monday."

State budget signed.

Education spending has risen $1 billion in the last four years.

But some local legislators say it should have been more. They point out the budget remains $170 million below what would be needed to meet the requirements of the per-pupil formula spelled out in state law.

...Rep. Jane Kidd, D-Athens, said Republicans' bragging about education increases hasn't impressed educators.

"The hole is not full," she said. "Most of these schools are still struggling."

Hers is a familiar refrain for Sen. Brian Kemp, R-Athens. "They've been complaining about that for some time," he said. "I'd love to have the money to fill that hole."

Ah, the big fat "I'm running for another office anyway" shrug.

This is just one example of how Goodwill has its act together. Another would be the way it's set up for donations in the dead ex-Walmart shopping center, with automatic doors, late and weekend hours, and a nice boy who helps you get stuff out of your car.

The Potter's House thrift store on Prince Avenue normally sees a lot of donations from college students when classes are over but hasn't been as busy so far this year, said Donna Ellis, thrift ministry director for the Atlanta Union Mission that runs the Potter's House and other substance-abuse recovery programs in Northeast Georgia.

Maybe that's because the Potter's House kind of sucks. Good cause, shitty execution of fundraising.

More juicy Schrenko details:

Neal said he never expected or received any money from the scheme, but was nervous about signing checks when she didn't know what she had done to "earn" the money.

Schrenko assured Neal she would later earn the income through a phone survey about the campaign.

"She explained to me that it was kind of like I was working for the money, but I would not receive any," she said.

The survey never took place, Neal said.

Yet again, we can't save every single historic building in the ACC, but we should kinda try sometimes, and the ABH is down with that.

I dunno, Madison County. I gotta say you're looking pretty damn stupid.

Didn't realize the Isley Brothers had a new album out, but this one only has one Kells contribution, "Blast Off," which you can stream here. It's no "Busted" (the video for which is still at Yahoo snd contains some amazing finger-pointing acting from Ron Isley) and it's not even up to the retarded sweetness that is "Lucky Charm," but when they do the countdown, what comes between seven and five is, unless my ears deceive me, "sexy" (though it may be "six, yeah"; we gon' pretend it ain't). And that alone should make it worth a listen.

But, really, things were very quiet and nice when they played Athens. I think we could do with some banana peel tossing (and that's no euphemism).

Week 16 is up. Nothing spectacular this week, although the Jenny Lewis is mighty nice. She might be all "look at my pretty hair" and "I'm into old-school country," but that doesn't change the goodness of the song.

Anyone who wants of it should drop me a line.

Mr. Brown's picks:

All of these mostly off the top of my head and in no particular order:


Favorite Artists (pretty boring, but what are you gonna do?)

1. The Beatles

2. The Who

3. The Velvet Underground

4. The Rolling Stones

5. The Beach Boys



Soul Songs

1. Any of a number of songs by Stevie Wonder (If I had to pick one it'd probably be Don't You Worry Bout A Thing or Living for the City)

2. Any of a number of songs by Al Green (If I had to pick one it'd be Tired of Being Alone or Let's Stay Together or Belle)

3. If You Want Me To Stay -- Sly & the Family Stone

4. I Want You Back -- Jackson Five

5. Busted -- Isley Brothers



Top Ten Songs By Dudes I Know (Can’t pick more than one song by any “artist”)

1. Excalibrah/Je Suis France -- Silky Hoes (Never Fuck with the France)

2. Bugs Eat Books -- Devils in the Snow

3. Lil Flip Scoldjah -- Ballad of the Lil Flip Scoldjah

4. The Wee Turtles -- Newly Elasticized

5. Murder Beach -- Don't know the name of the song, and it's not especially characteristic of their sound, but it's the one that goes "Leave me alone/Don't touch me though you could..."

6. Masters of the Hemisphere -- Meteor

7. Love Tractor -- I Broke My Saw

8. The Squalls -- Na Nanana

9. Thunderegg -- If I Went on a Diet

10. Fairmount Fair -- You Got the Music


5 Great Alternative Lifestyle Love Songs

1. I Wanna Find A Woman That'll Hold My Big Toe Till I Have To Go -- Capt. Beefheart

2. Tim, I Wish You Were Born a Girl -- Of Montreal

3. Girl in a Suitcase -- Pete Townshend

4. Stick It Out -- Frank Zappa

5. Still in School -- NRBQ

Jmac. Back on track.

Top Five Musical Artists (this being quite ridiculously hard; slot 5 filled largely because of the number of CDs we own by them, as well as the need to lend a little more strangeness)

1. The Beatles
2. The Who
3. The Ramones
4. Michael Jackson
5. The Residents

Top Five Soul Songs (this being also hard because of the question of what "soul" is; I've tried to keep it mostly non-contemporary, but the R got in there somehow)

1. "Superstition" - Stevie Wonder
2. "Belle" - Al Green (love song to Jesus, bitches, and still sexy)
3. "Walk on By" - Isaac Hayes (though I do like the Johnny Mathis version, unironically)
4. "Busted" - The Isley Brothers
5. "Never Can Say Goodbye" - The Jackson 5

Top Five Springsteen Songs

1. "Blinded by the Light"
2. "I'm on Fire"
3. "Because the Night"
4. "Something about the outskirts of town and murdering a hobo"
5. that one about ass-fucking the prostitute, even though I haven't heard it

Top Five Rap Songs (very modern-biased)

1. "Mind Playing Tricks on Me" - Geto Boys
2. "Apollo Kids" - Ghostface
3. "Jesus Walks" - Kanye West (what's Jesus doing on here again?)
4. "Comin' Round" - Bubba Sparxxx
5. "Izzo" - Jay-Z (best comeback anthem evar)

Top Five Love Songs (all of these melt my normally well-shielded heart a little)

1. "Looking at You" - Cole Porter (I'm partial to the version on the soundtrack of Everyone Says I Love You, performed by Alan Alda)
2. "A Little Is Enough" - Pete Townshend (loin bustingly beautiful and tough)
3. "She Is My Best Friend" - The Velvet Underground (if she ain't, you in trouble)
4. "I Want You Around" - The Ramones (direct as it gets)
5. "Everyday Clothes" - Jonathan Richman (once and maybe still my favorite song of his)

Mr. Brown's coming up once that slow mf makes up his mind.

If I had to guess why the Arch became a popular spot for protests, it might be because it's downtown, where people can see shit.

Look, Atlanta's air quality sucks, and it no doubt contributes to the air quality sucking in Athens, but it's not like there aren't a fuck ton of cars on the streets here. I'm for emissions testing statewide.

Blake follows up on consequences of redistricting, which probably won't be a whole lot for the immediate future, since Georgia will probably remain majority Republican, but what if the state swings back, dude? Also, David Lynn thinks Brian Kemp listens to his constituents. Maybe. But doing something is nice too. Jim opines on the issue too, but he thinks the reason Athens has no political clout is because we keep booting people out of the seat.

Oh those poor widdle rich people. They're feeling the pain of high gas prices too.

We've got metro-area-wide underemployment. But property values are up and up and up, and up more as developers go with infill, which is good in theory, but bad if it ends up being land speculation, which it seems to be in many ways. Who's going to live in all these condos?

Madison County brings the mock upon itself from the ABH. And they didn't even mention Hudgens.

Man. I want to see this puppet video. Dirty campaigning or no.

Shipp's column about Schrenko is mostly about how much he liked her and then, at the end, about the structuring of the system.

Please tell me he's a civics teacher.

And finally, the ABH op-eds on fall break, saying, "Perception is reality." Except, of course, for the fact that it isn't. I can perceive that the ABH is a communist rag. And I can perceive that its op-eds are written by a tight-ass bastard who clearly sees no need for any vacation days ever. But that don't make it so. If the ABH wants to get into the territory of literary theory and philosophy, then, sure, we can talk about how there's no such thing as reality, but it strikes me that they don't exactly want to go there. How about we agree that reality is reality and that this is not a big deal?

Reaching baroquitude?

1) Theme song from Mission Impossible 3, by Kanye. (Mrs. Broccoli, please call this man for the next Bond song. This is what we call an audition tape.)*

2) This outfit. Is that a mini LV purse on your hip? Damn. Gay cowboy even more mainstream than we thought.

None of this means this level of complication is bad. Baroque is good.

*Also note: The comments following the song are impressively long and angry. I like how people address the artists directly.

The catchuppening.

20) At the point when she may have had nothing on but her ruffled blue tennis panties, he confronted her, and when she started screaming, he noticed the hammer on the windowsill and used it.

What Barber didn't entertain, at least not in writing, was the possibility that Mrs. Finlay might have been in the tub when her assailant appeared, that in fact her assailant might have been someone she knew so well as to allow this person to come into the bedroom, perhaps even to talk to her while she was still in the tub or drying off, maybe a close female friend or relative, maybe someone who didn't always get along with her. It never seemed to occur to Barber that Mrs. Finlay might have been murdered by someone very close to her, the crime then staged to look like an attempted sexual assault that went as far as her tennis panties being pulled down to her knees before her enraged assailant beat her to death. [from "At Risk: Chapter 14: A Cold Case Solved" Funny Pages, by Patricia Cornwell, 04/09/06; no longer linked; do tennis panties count?]

21) The collection of 500 zines includes primary sources documenting activism during the 2004 Republican National Convention and Critical Mass protests in New York. Titles include Brooklyn Diary, Junk/Food, Race Riot and Satan's Panties. Barnard's trove focuses on women, particularly New Yorkers. [from "Zines in the Library Catalogue? Of Course" by Lily Koppel, about the Barnard Library collection of zines, 04/11/06; no longer linked]

22) When Paris Hilton pranced up in a matching leopard print bra and panties, she managed to pose for the cameras for a full minute before she shouted, ''Wow, Hef, this party is hot!'' [from "Please Don't Pet the Bunnies" by Monica Corcoran, "A NIGHT OUT WITH -- Hugh Hefner," 04/16/06; no longer linked; you knew Paris Hilton had to appear in the same sentence with panties sooner or later]

23) The parent factor helped guide the content of Yale's new magazine, which is underwritten by a company that sells sex-enhancing products. Its most explicit photo is the cover shot of a student in nothing but red Yale panties, her back to the camera so barely a hint of breast shows. ''If we can justify it to our moms every step of the way then we know that we're in good shape,'' said Dain Lewis, a junior who is director of Sex Week. But what the magazine lacks in nudity it makes up for in risque articles on choosing the right condom and taming a wild date. ''I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with my mom reading it,'' Mr. Lewis allowed. [from "The Student Body" by Jodi Rudoren, 04/23/06; sex week? and Georgia's not academically rigorous? also: shouldn't Yale panties be blue?; no longer linked]

24) Sara Blakely, the founder of a line of body-shaping underwear called Spanx, found out how powerful QVC's reach is. As a result of her appearances on the shopping channel, she is often recognized in public. She said that women even ''flash her'' in airports by showing off their smooth, invisible panty lines. ["QVC, a Talent Show for Those Who Dream of Dollars" by Lisa Napoli, 05/01/06; no longer linked]

25) "It just happens," Ms. [Mary Louise] Parker said, explaining how she found herself peeling down to her red polka-dot panties. "They were my own underwear. He gives you a sense of freedom that makes you do whatever you want to do." ["Not-So-Still Life With Stairwell" by Lily Koppel, 05/07/06, about photographer Mark Seliger]

26) Earlier, Mr. Borgnine objects when Ms. Stevens prepares to shuck her long evening gown to ease her escape. He protests, "She's got nothing under it!" Ms. Stevens responds with perhaps the most cherished line in the movie, "Just panties — what else do I need?" [from "Underwater, and Over the Top in 1972" by Thomas Vinciguerra, 05/07/06, about how the gays love the original Poseidon Adventure in a big way]

27) On the side of good is traditional forró, known as pé-de-serra, or foot-of-the-mountain. Based around the trio of accordion, triangle and zabumba, it is old-fashioned, good ol' boy forró, what Bo and Luke Duke would have listened to had they been Brazilian. On the tacky side is forró estilizado, the stylized pop music version played by groups like Calcinha Preta, full of electronic sounds with the accordion relegated to a secondary role. It's "not part of the sertão culture, not part of its history," Sérgio said. And Calcinha Preta, after all, means "Black Panties," not exactly evocative of country roots. ["Forró in Brazil: Under a Full Moon, Dancing to the Beat of the Zabumba" from Cultured Traveler by Seth Kugel, 05/07/06]

Note: Panty-watch is a regular feature here dedicated to tracking appearances of the word "panties" or "panty" in the New York Times, partially because it's amusing to see the Gray Lady venturing into such areas and partially to see if it correlates with anything specific. The end of the year should result in a few more graphs.

[previously] [bugmenot NYT]

Not really, but Said the Gramophone did find these kids who are a more than adequate substitute (minus any profanity). Their flow isn't quite as accomplished, but the backing tracks are simple and nicely done, and no one can do surreal quite like the elementary school crowd. Once you become conscious of being weird, your ability to be so is considerably diminished.

TEP to renovate/repair its burned house with insurance money, even though they're going to have to move at some point. Is this allowed under the moratorium?

Soda companies know a little is better than nothing. It doesn't seem like changes will be big for most schools anyway. ABH op-ed calls it "pragmatic."

Sure, PowerPoint is killing communication skills around the world, but if it makes kids enthusiastic about the WPA, I can live with it.

Ass. There's extra money in the budget this year for ACC, but it's all pretty much allocated to raises, gasoline, and health insurance. And 15 new employees. Even Start still pretty much screwed.

Madison County = Real housewives of Orange County?

People are pushing a recall of one of the commissioners there, and it seems to be about zoning. This is not smart territory to get into.

ABH pays attention to the Fall Break issue.

DeRose trying to get less of the vote than he did last time out. I'm not saying I'm all, "Yay! Bird flu in Athens," but making this your issue is about as crazy as focusing largely on anti-Greek prejudice. (Sidebar: You know you want to see Mr. Jones get all huffy over at AthPo.)

Lee reports on agritourism, but it's hard to see it as much of a growth industry.

Extended qualifying means Becky Vaughn decides to take on Bob Smith (yes!), and other people decide to run in other races. Note that the only worthwhile thing Mr. Smith worked on this past year was just vetoed by el gubernator.

What Mark, Cathy, and Sonny are worth. How did Mark earn $199,406 last year and get a tax refund of $42,417, while Cathy earned $105,757 and was refunded only $2,684?

Dangerous gum inflation necessitates letter to editor!

Dear lord. Thank you, fine men of Recidivism, for linking to a video depicting my favorite new dance: the Cruise. Mr. Brown pointed out that this is, in fact, even funnier with the sound off than on. And even even funnier after you've watched it four times. Admit it: you did not want to party with Tom nearly as much before this past year or so of hammjamm. Can Scientology get me some of that shit? Because I'm starting to think about it.

This from Stan Lee's introduction to vol. 2 of The Amazing Spiderman (issues 11-19), which was written in 1988:

And how about J. Jonah Jameson? When I first wrote him into the series, he was just a minor throwaway character. I thought he'd be good for a couple of laughs and that was it. Then, y'know what happened? The irascible old curmudgeon became one of the mainstays of the entire series. He's the perfect foil for both Peter and Spidey to tangle with in a never-ending battle of wits and verbal barbs. JJJ has come to respresent the most conservative, straight-laced members of society, the self-righteous know-it-alls who dislike and distrust anyone who looks, acts or thinks differently than they do.

But make no mistake about it. Jolly Jonah is not a villain. He's not a bad guy. He just marches to the beat of a different drummer. Just like Captain Queeg in The Caine Mutiny, Jonah and his ilk are part of the fabric of America. We may not want to party with them, but life would surely be a whole lot duller if they weren't around.

I want those strawberries accounted for, Spiderman!

I'm sure Whitesnake have moms too.

Ian Parker's "Birth of a Nation" about the quest for independence for Tokelau (largely on the part of other people), three tiny islands widely separated from each other, ain't online, but it does contain this lovely fact:

Fakaofo [one of the islands, the smallest one] has so little space that its hundred or so pigs live on a low-lying coral shelf that is mostly underwater at high tide. At those times, lifted by the rising water, the pigs swim, their snouts in the air--and for this they have a fame that has spread at least as far as a New Zealand school textbook [note: this isn't very far]. The pigs also eat seafood. I asked Elika how these animals caught fish and he mimed for me the action of a pig first waiting with its mouth open in the water, then snapping it shut, as a fish wiggled into it.

It makes me think you could use pigs for fishing in much the same way they're currently used to find truffles, as long you're not afraid to put your hand in their mouth to take away their food.

Having familial/work obligations tonight (plus the need to drink some beers with a friend in the middle of all that), here's the number of words and then some that I would have written, from LD on Easterbrook. This is mighty smart and point by point takes down Easterbrook in a way that's less unleashing hate than unleashing analytical lawyerliness (which we love). His column taught me a lot about football (especially how to respect blockers and the running game, things I didn't know*), and I appreciate the geekiness of the running sci-fi implausibility series, but a) it's too long on a regular basis, and b) I think LD does a nice job connecting his political views and way of arguing with the methods he uses in the football realm and how these things can really get under your skin, especially if you read the column a lot.

*there's a lot I didn't used to know

We get it, Pete. You live off Prince. Not that some kind of residential feel shouldn't be maintained, but overreaction much?

This week's last letter in Flagpole tries to convince students not to live in gated communities.

And Doug Bachtel talks about sprawl, rickshaws, and fat-ass white people. He also believes in the separate but equal philosophy when it comes to bike lanes:

I am against bike lanes where you're just painting lines down high-traffic roads. You'd have to be a daredevil to ride a bike on one of those damn things. We need to take bicycles and incorporate them into economic development, so it's not just a kids thing, a recreation thing - so it's a viable economic development strategy. With the bike rickshaws you get people thinking about them differently. It's a change of behavior and attitude.

Kidd's suit denied. Longer explanation than "denied" to come.

Hoo-ah. That's a tense commission meeting. Our guys and gals assign the high-pressure issue of leisure services fees to a committee, giving them someone to blame it on (but also someone to study it more in depth).

The county Leisure Services department's fees for basketball and other activities for children and teenagers, which have drawn criticism from black residents inside the old city limits, are worth studying further, commissioners said.

Augh. Rewind. Did you really just put it that way, Blake? How about poor residents? Isn't that what this is about? Does "black residents inside the city limits" translate to poor automatically now? We might have to catch the TV rerun on this un:

The issue hit close to home for several commissioners, who shared personal stories. Commissioner George Maxwell credited sports for helping him overcome an upbringing in the Broadacres Homes housing project. Sims recalled playing volleyball and basketball in a field behind his house because blacks weren't allowed to use city parks. And Commissioner Kathy Hoard remembered being unnerved by Parkview Homes children staring at her through a fence when she sat by the pool at a local motel she stayed in while looking for a house.

"I don't ever want to be responsible for a child standing on the other side of the fence," Hoard said.

More people looking at the wellness policy.

The BC moving up in the world with a Home Depot of its own.

Georgia Democrats are idiots and think people can't remember less than a year ago, when the Republicans pulled the same stunt. Hey. Jackasses. Money into state coffers, not money out of them in handouts that mean nothing to the average person and plenty to business. ABH doesn't think the idea is bad, just the motives. I'm pretty much hating both here.

Larry Pirtle endears himself to every young black person in town.

Damn top of the head. It's always a giveaway.

Arrest: On April 25, Sgt. Byron Smith was dispatched to a home on Atlanta Highway in Bogart after a woman reported that a man was beating on her door and shouting threatening words. Smith arrived about 1 a.m. and after exiting his patrol car, he heard a noise in some nearby bushes, so he turned on his flashlight and saw the top of a head poking out of the bushes. He ordered the man out. Gregory Thornton told the deputy he didn't know what was going on. Thornton was placed in handcuffs and the deputy smelled alcohol, but Thornton accused the woman of being under the influence. After investigating the complaint, he arrested Thornton, 40, of Bogart on a charge of disorderly conduct.

See, you knew he was crazy from the DVD title.

Arrest: On April 27, security at Wal-Mart arrested Robert Huckaby, 25, of Madison on a charge of shoplifting and simple battery. When deputies arrived, they found the suspect on the floor and an ambulance was called after he began hyperventilating. Security explained the man had struggled with them after they detained him for stealing a DVD of "Dr. Doolittle." He bit one of the security officers on the chest. Deputies learned he was wanted on warrants in Walton and Putnam counties. Walton County deputies came and took Huckaby back to their jail.

Should you keep your lies believable?

Arrest: On April 28, security at Wal-Mart observed a man take a prepaid cell-phone card and a telephone charger, then open the packages and conceal the items in his pants. He was detained as he left. He told security he was Charles Howard, but deputy Marvin Williams arrived and warned him about lying so he gave his real name. Robert Benjamin Howard, 23, of McCarty Road, Statham, was charged with shoplifting.

The rest is here.

I really need a picture. I don't think I'm getting what you're selling me.

Date: May 3, 2006 8:33:39 AM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: john deere collectors

deere rideing a bycycle hard to fine piece 50.00 made of
metal cast deere is brown and is rideing a green bike

Remember that stuff about being grossed out being an important thing for humans in ways other than self-preservation? It has to do with that too, as proved by Daniel Raeburn's New Yorker story on his stillborn daughter (link not to the story, but elsewhere), which is quite possibly the most nausea-inducing thing I've ever read in the magazine. And I really don't mean that to sound mean. It's also sort of powerful emotionally, but if I had to make the decision again, I don't think I'd read the story, as I pretty much sat there with my face completely screwed up and slightly averted the entire time. Basically, their baby dies in the womb at about eight months, which is a horrible horrible thing, and they decide that they should go through the birth because supposedly it gives you a better chance of having kids later on. Not to mention is sort of emotionally cathartic and all. But it sure made my decision for me. They can cut me the hell open before I go through something like that. E.g., [and stop reading here if you're squeamish]

The afterbirth was causing problems. The placenta that Rebekah had been growing for eight months was supposed to slide out at the end of the umbilical cord like a veined lung, but it wasn't coming. It had somehow adhered itself to the uterus, possibly because of scarring from the summer's near-miscarriage. Our midwife tugged on the dangling end of the umbilical cord. The cord snapped. "That's not supposed to happen," our midwife said. "I mean, it happens, but it's rare." She called in the supervising doctor.

The doctor inserted her right arm into Rebekah up to the elbow. She braced herself and pulled. She exhaled, pulled harder. Rebekah's sister and I attempted to restrain Rebekah without slipping. I felt something inside her tear and the doctor slid back, holding a raw piece of the organ. She handed it to the nurse and reinserted her arm. She pulled until she again stood back, clutching another purple fistful.

This goes on for a while. It's almost unbearable to read, and the emotional aftermath isn't much better. Picture the absolute most heartbreaking shit ever on Intervention and then figure a dead baby and a difficult birth into the equation. Is it a good story? I honestly don't know. It's more of an Irreversible story, and it's a bit of a shock to come across without warning.

1) Big ol' interview with Cars Can Be Blue (nice kids).

2) Reviews of records by Venice Is Sinking and Jon Black.

3) And the long-awaited official Bojangles review (with side trip to Sam's Club). Please note: I do know the difference between bated and baited breath. I didn't write that part.

Athens protest for Hispanics held in the evening, sort of defeating the purpose.

"I think the first and foremost concern is about education," said Jerry Gonzalez, executive director of the Georgia Association of Latino Elected Officials, explaining that children should not miss school.

Also, "missing work without approval may get them fired," Gonzalez said.

Since immigrants are here primarily to work, it doesn't make sense to jeopardize their jobs, he said.

Which makes sense, but then why not have it any old day as opposed to Labor Day (a big holiday for the Communists, as CNN reminded me bright and early that morning). Here's the report from the capitol, which sorta begins with the mock.

Yeah... You know why Sue Burmeister's not running for reelection? Nothing to do with the foot in the mouth. More like the finger in the pie.

Southeastern pocket gopher may make it onto the endangered species list in Georgia. Aww...

Not widening the highway through Elberton is keeping its kids in poverty.

Better getcha radio out.

Monday's game was the Turner South's first using Fox Sports South announcers Tom Rathbun and Jeff Torborg. Fox purchased Turner South recently and is expected to change the regional networks name in the coming weeks. Turner South has 49 more Braves games left on the schedule, including tonight's against the Rockies.

Wait. There really is such a thing as a joyologist. Fuckin' a, Loran. Dying kitties, Katrina, nuclear waste management?

This isn't just an op-ed about Piedmont College being a good neighbor. It's about UGA not being one, since that's the crusade the ABH has been on.

We like it when the editor's notes are longer than the letter they respond to.

R&B reports on parking and the idea of making freshman give up their cars. The problem is that they park in the shittiest spots anyway. How you can get towed. Includes excuses you can't use (pretty much all of them, except "explosive diarrhea").

Younguns don't vote. Unless Blake Tillery is running (and it's 2004 and kind of a referendum on the future of the damn country). Is Charles Bullock right in calling UGA a "heavily conservative" campus?

Finally, a Buford piece online. Dude has been writing his tail off. And this should save me quite a bit of typing. This bit bears out something I'm working on, a theory about how not only does good food have to contain a certain element of grossness, but how, possibly, nausea in general (of the kind you get when you're really uncomfortable, including being made that way by humor) is something we seek out as a species, perhaps to remind us of the blessedness of our current positions of comfort:

The next day, we made a terrine called a pasticcio rustico. In fact, it was very, very rustico. I couldn’t imagine people eating it (neither the Maestro nor Teresa would touch it) unless they were very poor and without a refrigerator and hallucinating from starvation. The principal ingredient was old pork that had been aging in its own blood, sealed in a plastic bag. When you opened one, the smell hit you like a stinging slap of stinky molecules. The smell was so bad (“Che mal odore!” Teresa shrieked) that Dario rushed back to turn on the extractor fan: customers were uncomfortable.

This here, however, is the bit that had me giggling as I walked through the parking lot near the Coliseum:

We began. Teresa filled a cup with the lumpy mixture and emptied it into a canvas sack, not unlike a coarse sock, and handed it to me. I tapped it, letting the mixture settle, wiped off the sides—goo seeping through the weave—closed it up, and passed it to the Maestro, his gigantic hand enveloping my puny paw. He then looped a string around the bundle, like a parcel for the post office.

We established a rhythm. Teresa, the handover, the Maestro. At some point, Teresa started humming. She hummed so much I rarely noticed: a background noise of cheerfulness. But the Maestro noticed and joined in, whistling. The tune was “O Sole Mio.”

The three of us continued. Teresa filled a sack, I tapped it, the Maestro tied it. Meanwhile, Teresa hummed and the Maestro whistled. Then they reached the end of the song. The Maestro cleared his throat.

No, I thought. He wouldn’t dare.

“Che bella cosa,” he sang. It was an impressive baritone. “Na jurnata ’e sole.” What a beautiful thing a day in the sun is. I don’t think I’d heard the words before. I was impressed that someone knew them. Then again, if anyone was going to know them, he’d know them, wouldn’t he? After all, he’s Italian.

Teresa replied. “N’aria serena,” she sang. Hers was a perfectly reasonable mezzo-soprano. She knew the words, too. She filled another sack and handed it to me, singing, “doppo na tempesta.” In the serene air after a storm.

“Pe’ ll’aria fresca,” the Maestro continued, “pare già na festa.”

“Che bella cosa na jurnata ’e sole,” Teresa replied. She set down her sack. The Maestro put down his as well and took a deep breath. They were preparing for the high notes of the famous refrain. (No, I found myself saying quietly. Please, don’t do it. Don’t you know this is a landmark piece of Italian kitsch? Think of Dean Martin. Think of Elvis. Please, stop.) They didn’t stop. They tilted back their heads, projected their voices to the ceiling, and bellowed. “O sole mio,” they sang in unison, “sta ’nfronte a te! O sole, o sole mio . . .”

When they finished, they were silent for a long time. Finally, Teresa spoke. “Bravo, Maestro,” she said, wiping away a tear.

“Brava, Teresa,” the Maestro said, clearing his throat.

Date: May 1, 2006 2:07:42 PM EDT
To: UGA-FORSALE@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
Subject: Items for sale

Office Chair $10.00
Stainless Steel Tall Kitchen Trash Can $10.00
Small Table $10.00

Contact: [redacted]
East side

Thiiis close to being an art photograph.

Week 15 is up.

I like some Sigur Ros: Damn you, yindies, for being right. I have mocked many a time when people use the word ““transcendent” and whatnot to describe a show that consists of sitting and being enraptured, but I have been slapped in the mouth by the gorgeousness of this frosty beauty. [8]

Best song of the week is a re-release? Second best song is a Tim McGraw cover of a Ryan Adams song?

Email if you want any of it.

Because he's a mothafuckin' genius, yo.



If we only had the technology to implement a prototype, we would never work again.

Updated: Fuck. We'll never be able to compete with China.

Milford Hills. Place to live if you like "feces-filled cat carriers" next door. You know, I would've been a little wary about paying $155K to move into a neighborhood that didn't already have street signs, but my parents raised me cautious.

Alisa DeMao does a nice job promoting socialism:

Many HOPE candidates come from middle-class backgrounds that provide the enrichment and academic support necessary to achieve a B average; pre-school programs like pre-K, with its set curriculum and certified teachers, are designed particularly to help prepare students who don't have those resources at home and may walk into kindergarten with fewer skills, less prepared for school. In essence, HOPE widens the achievement gap, some educators say.

It's a nice, blunt article. Mr. Kemp is quoted at the end as saying he has his head up his own ass. Jim seems down with some of this in his column, though he also seems to think the reason the state sales tax funding idea failed is because it was an election year. What? You think our state legislators give two shits about the votes of the poor? Getting rid of property taxes and tacking on pennies here and there is an election year proposal. Still. Cap on HOPE = high five.

Please note: Bogart's Main Street businesses do not have toilets. What fucking century is this?

All Republicans all the time statewide.

Hey, Safe Campuses Now, this dude's your new poster boy.

See, I can be in the paper other than for writing letters.

ABH looking for a gubernatorial race about substance, rather than slinging dirt. We'll see. It's early yet. And Shipp don't think it's going to happen.

Oof. Winders hits Chuck Jones hard. I'm not sure a self-professed "conservative Christian" had much of a shot in the ACC anyway, but now there's less of one. It'll depend on whether anyone buys this "anti-Christian bias" steaming pile.

The planning commission needs volunteers. Maybe once I'm done with school (if I'm ever done with school), I can handle something like this, but for now, I'll merely encourage you to.

ABH stands up for less fucking in the parks!

Immunization is a social responsibility.

As American as poor spelling. Way to rock it, anti-immigrant jackasses.

Self-beater-upper's momma is cryptic.

One gross bar closes. Another gross bar takes its place. Circle of life. (Stripper pole is gone though, and that's a good thing.)

No, ever. (At least for this week.)

"You know what else I love the smell of in the morning?"

Really, that should be all one needs to say. If you don't find that amusing a) you have no soul, and b) you don't watch Blow Out. Thank the lord for inventing the marathon, as I needed Sunday in general to recover from Saturday night, and the gayest straight man in the world was just the ticket. Who else would try to lengthen his own sad use of "bangin'" into "Bangladesh" (not a fucking adjective, Jonathan)? Or burst into slow tears at his therapist's (note: new therapist this year) over the fact that he is so over himself and that he's so tired of it being all about him (note 2: frequently wears shirt with "Jonathan" on sleeve; named salon and product after self)? Who else would create this list under "Heroes" on myspace?

Rocky. Spiderman. Yoda. Lassie. Tiger Woods.Steve McQueen. James Dean. Montgomery Clift. Dale Earnhardt.

Sometimes I wonder if he's real. Such a list does nothing to make me believe so. Still, aside from that one beautiful quote in Hawaii, the moment of the season has been Jonathan pitching the biggest fit in the world (twice) over the packaging for his new shower filter. Because Jonathan cannot do abstract concepts. He sees a bowl of rocks, and he assumes that bowl of rocks is the final product, even if the word "concept" is mentioned 800 times. He will howl at you. He will scream, "How am I supposed to ship a bowl of rocks?" in total hysteria. And later, when you bring the finished package to show him, and you put it inside a shoebox so some element of surprise is maintained and the new pretty box doesn't get banged up on the way over, he will assume that said shoebox is the actual packaging. You know, I think Scott may be making a little joke about Mr. Antin with the concept. Think about it. Jonathan. Bowl of rocks. Quite a lot in common there.

Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London: Apparently, I kind of forgot how shitty the first one was, and knew that I had to watch this before it expired on On Demand. Well, kudos to my brain. It's the same mix of Muniz acting like a complete spaz (how is he supposed to be the number-one juvenile secret agent ever?), loads of gadgetry, clueless grown-ups (somehow less cool than Muniz), near complete lack of logic, some kind of feeble lesson (it's important to act like a kid?) that's not well threaded through, and the rare cool explosion. Yet it's oddly watchable in its awfulness. Call it the Houseguest of the tween set. Oh, and Damien "I slice cows in half for art" Hirst has a cameo, not as himself, which totally makes sense for this audience.

It is a rare day that I leave the grocery store in a better mood than I went to it in, but sometimes the stars align. Instances of such:

1) OSIS local hottie Bob Hay, buying bananas and milk. It occurs to Team Brown that these are two things we never buy and that most people do all the time.

2) Nice, but odd old lady with big dark glasses tells me my smiling face makes her day. Apparently, I'm spreading sunshine everywhere.

3) Not one, but two bagging dudes!

4) One of whom hands Mr. Brown his shaving cream separately, in its own little bag, as if to say, "Dude, you need this immediately."

5) Creepy, personalized coupons contain the following: "Free Always Pads, any size or variety up to $3.50" and then this, "May we suggest: Always Ultra Super Long with Wings." You may, HAL, but I am a little weirded out at where your mind is.